I know this one is long, but please bear with me. I poured my heart into it.

FAITH

In my life, I have recently come upon a profound revelation. It is basic, and simple, but has hit my heart in a very real and potent way. It is a revelation regarding faith, the entire concept of which has been much more of a roller-coaster type journey to comprehension than I had previously realized.

Growing up, I understood faith to be religion, i.e. belief combined with good works. Yes, in James 2:14-26, the brother of Jesus and church elder tells us that faith without works is dead, but never does he say faith is works. He is simply saying that faith doesn’t stop at a belief. In fact, in 1:27, he says, “Pure and lasting religion in the sight of God our Father means that we must care for orphans and widows in their troubles, and refuse to let the world corrupt us.”

At the age of sixteen, I was introduced to an entirely different concept of faith, one that still leaves me with a sour taste. It was turned into a formula. Several dear souls, with motivations I can neither judge as pure or impure, taught me that faith was something gained from becoming convinced that God was going to do whatever a true believer asked. With an ill-representing twist of scriptures, I was told that if I confessed enough times, anything I wanted would happen: God only wants good for his children, right? And who better to judge what is good for us than…well, us. They never said that last part, but it was very much a hidden foundation stone of their doctrine of faith. God was a vending machine, and all I had to do was insert the necessary deposit, press the selection, and out would come whatever my faulted (and therefore selfish) human heart desired. Faith seemed to be this death grip belief that God would do what we asked. This meant that if I wanted a BMW, if I asked God for it and then repeatedly said I had it in Jesus name, I would have it. If I didn’t, there were only three possible reasons: I didn’t have enough faith, I was in some sin and consequently not in the will of God, or it was already mine in the spirit realm, but I needed to persevere. (FYI, the second explanation much better reflects the very basic Hindu belief of Karma than it does the Bible. The God of the Bible, the Father of Jesus, is not a God who does good when you do good and bad when you do bad.) After a few years, this idea of faith began to crumble for two reasons: it didn’t work, and I hungered for so much more of God. Later, I was able to see many scriptural faults in this line of thinking. Mainly, they had to do with the biblical concepts of storing up treasures in heaven and not on earth (Matt 8:19-24), of trust in God’s sovereignty (Isaiah 55:8-9, Job 11:7-8), God’s use of suffering in the Christian life (Romans 5:3-5, II Cor 12:7-10, Philippians 3:10-11, Heb 12:5-13), and the idea of Christianity really being about laying down our lives, forsaking all, and following Jesus (Mark 8:34-38).

Once I left this church and this movement, I entered an environment to which I thank God for bringing me. Here I learned that Mark 8:34-35 is at the heart of Christianity: in the words of Jesus, “If anyone wants to be my follower, you must lay down your life, take up your cross, and follow me. If you try to keep your life for yourself, you will loose it. But if you give up your life for my sake and the sake of the Good News, you will find true life.” This truth was branded in my heart and I was drastically changed. Yet, faith itself was not often addressed. Sometimes, a foundation cannot be fixed and the entire building has to be torn down and built from scratch. I suppose I found myself to be a Christian missing a basis for my faith, and I defaulted to the most vibrant basis for anything I said, thought, or acted on: my emotions.

Basing faith in God on emotions is not a way I would recommend. Not many people realize they do this, but my guess is that many do. The most obvious problems with faith based on emotions and feelings is that I am human. My emotions, my moods, and what I feel are fallible. They are effected and shaped by so many sources: upbringing, circumstances, environment, a grumbling stomach, a conversation whether good or bad, a crush, blood sugar and other body chemistries/hormones, the weather, etc. Due to this, faith based on emotions is a huge roller-coaster ride in which I could never grasp God’s love or that his general disposition towards me was favorable. I rarely felt good about myself, so how could I thus believe that Jesus thought well of me? In my mind I served an angry, demanding God more often than I served a loving, gracious God. What the scriptures said almost always took back seat to what I felt, no matter how hard I tried to believe what I read. This led for a very unstable life. I often felt guilty or depressed. I made rash and/or bad decisions. I mistook God’s voice due to a strong feeling. Slowly, God began to mature me and I found myself slipping into a more balanced approach to life in general. Though I still do not find an emotional based mind-set inferior to a logic based mind-set, I began to make more room for logic in my thought life.

My last stint was short-lived. I didn’t even realize I had shifted reasoning again until I found myself on my couch asking God a disturbing question: “Lord, I have been a Christian eight years. In that time, never, for more than a second, have I questioned that you are real or that the Bible is right. Why am I questioning these now?” His answer to me was that I was basing what I believed on intellectual reasoning and that I needed to base it simply on His word.

Human logic, like human emotion is flawed. People may come to faith in Christ via intellect/logic, but when it remains the foundation of belief, over God’s word, it can become deadly. Like emotions, intellect out of balance will lead down roads of harm, if not destruction. Logic is good, except when it denies the validity of scriptural truths. Doing this is, in essence, claiming to know more than God. Many a rebuttal to such a stance can be found in the book of Job alone, such as Job 11:7-8: “Can you solve the mysteries of God? Can you discover everything there is to know about the Almighty? Such knowledge is higher than the heavens—but who are you? It is deeper than the underworld—what can you know in comparison to Him?” Another is Isaiah 55:8-9 “My thoughts are completely different from yours,” says the Lord, “And my ways are far beyond anything you could imagine. For just as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts higher than your thoughts.” Then there’s my favorite from Romans 3:4 “Let God be found true and (even if it means) every man a liar.” If these are not enough, (and even if they are) read Job 38-41.

There are many other things faith could be based on, but what I have sampled has been enough to convince me that the only true and tried thing on which to base it is the Truth of the Word of God. I am a Christian and have been so for the past 1/3 of my life. It is who I am. I believe what I believe: I believe that the Bible is God’s Word, and I believe that God’s Word is Truth, bottom line and regardless of what my feelings or logic tell me, regardless of what I see, regardless of whatever scientific or other type of proof anyone shows me, and regardless of any experiences I or anyone else has had or is having. God’s Word tells me that He is, that Jesus is His Son, that Jesus lived on earth and died for my sins. It tells me that I have been forgiven, that the Holy Spirit lives in me, that He loves me, that I don’t have to earn his favor but have His grace. It also tells me too many other wonderful truths to list. That is good enough for me: God is able to preserve His word, and He definitely knows more than I know. Maybe it boils down to being humble before God.

If you still think you need religion, go find some troubled orphans and widows, and de-conform yourself to anything that isn’t Christ.

life is crazy, but God is good. i've learned an invaluable lesson this week: when God speaks, i should probably do more than listen. i should pay the utmost attention. He gave me some instructions wednesday and then warned me how satan would try to attack me. unfortunately, i took it a little more lax than i should have and therefore spent thursday, friday, and half of saturday in a serious funk. but His grace is over abundant and i prayed and repented and now i have peace again, and actually feel His presence.

i am learning a lot about trust and how it cannot coincide with worry. trust will leave by default if i do not decide to give worry the boot. its like this: i seriously think that i think things to death.  sometimes, it is to blame for my sanity waning. it is how i got into such a funk. satan whispered a lie, a thought, a temptation, a worry. i resisted for a few hours, but then i ran with it.....for two and a half days! i ran with a load heavier than i was meant to walk with. finally, i dropped to my knees, from the sheer preassure and weight of it all, and cried out to my God, "I CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE!"

i suppose His question to me would be something like, "Daughter, why did you ever take it in the first place?" He removed that burden and replaced it with His light burden, on which is inscribed the words, "Faith, Trust, and Surrender."

Long ago, i pledged my life to my Lord. (i'm not referring to the time in which i came to Christ.) four or five years ago i made a serious commitment to Him to give Him all of me, to live, and die if necessary, for Him; to be or do whatever He wants me to be or do. He took that pledge seriously, as did i, but now, i feel that, in a peculiar way, He is asking for more. He is asking for death (which is okay because i am learning to like death). He is asking for control. He is asking me not to reach for the steering wheel when i don't like where He is going. He is asking for my trust on a higher, more intimate level. i find this to be a challenge, a place where the words of Jesus, "the spirit is willing but the flesh is weak" come alive; and i become jacob, wrestling with the Lord until day break; until, by a touch from Him, I am changed. He is asking for control, for me to allow Him to take what He wants rather than for me to give what i want. it is what i pledged....its just that i didn't know the difference between surrender and sacrifice.

i think that when i sacrifice, i have a semblence (at least) of control. i choose what to put up on the altar and it is lit on fire by my own hand. i know what is going to happen. i know the smell it will produce. i know what it costs me. i can forsee the pile of ashes it will leave. surrender, on the other hand, lays down my will. my hands are in the air and i am not in control. though He may tell me where we are going, i only know this is true if He is trustworthy. then again, He may not tell me where we are going, but ask me to sit back, enjoy the ride, and trust that he won't get us lost, won't shipwreck us, and that where we go is good--even if we have to drive through several valleys of the shadow of death in order to get there. surrender says, "Your will be done," even if it is spoken through clenched or chattering teeth. surrender trusts, and does not accuse. surrender obeys. it is not talked into dizzying circles of worry. it does not take the reigns again when tempted or scared or disgruntled. it does not carry burdens far too heavy and does not spend days in a funk.

i can't think how to end this cuz its late and i am tired, so i'll leave with a quote from my pastor that i'm sure you'll figure out how to apply to what i have written:

"What ever kills you, makes you stronger." --Luke Savage.   

Glimpses

this one will be fast and perhaps filled with gramatical and spelling errors because i am meeting a dear friend soon, but i must write it while its there.

Sometimes i feel like i get glimpses. The glimpses i have been having of late have to do with the whole human thing and the whole Christian vs non christian thing. i feel that often i think of it as a them and us thing; God's children, not God's children; those with hope and those beyond it.

every once in a while i see it differently. i see this planet called earth and on it are more than a few billion inhabitants called humans, or people. these people have been in existence for, well, we have our hunches, but no one is really sure, except the One who made us. He made two people and from them we have all come into being. He loved these two people and intended for them to know Him. He has also loved all of their offspring, who are still His creation; even though they are not formed with dust, they are formed in the womb, slowly, intentionally by a loving and detailed Creator.

Billions of us, or whatever the total number is, have been known by God and loved by God. Not one of us created slips past his sight. not one is unloved. not one is beyond hope. we were all intended to know Him, as the first two were. sadly, though, not all of us do. not all have chosen Him, and as the first chapter of Romans tells us, God gave them over to the things they've lusted after and to not knowing Him. Still, what they do not know is the destiny that awaits those who turn their back on Him. They do not know that He is all that their souls long for. They do not know that they were made for Him. Actually, only a small minority of those currently on earth know the God who made them, the God who has a purpose for them and wants to be known bny them.

It was the backgroundd of these thoughts that set the stage for my glimpses last night and tonight. last night, i was at the Offering (a worship service), in a room full of 30 people approximately who came to sing and pour their hearts out before their God. My thoughts turned to the odds of things. with all the false ways and all the false gods in this world, and out of all the people who follow them, what are the odds that we had been blessed to know the Real God? when i think of how many do not, my heart echoes the sentiment of david in psalm 8, though it is not only "out of all creation, what is mankind that we should know you," but there is this sense of, "out of all the people chosen on the earth to know your truth, how did i get into that group? how was i blessed to be born in a country where your word is preached without much interference (comparatively speaking) and out of all the ways i could have chosen, how is it that i have come to choose and know the One and Only true God? i am blown away.

then there is the glimpse of tonight. i am privelelged to know Him, but His heart does not stop at the people who have chosen Him. as i prayed on my balcony, i heard a group of young adults laughing and talking. if what i know of their lives is true, then they have retained little knowledge of God. They are blind and do not see Him. they think they are living life according to what is best, according to their choices, but they cannot see their origin, their Creator, their purpose, their destiny, or how badly mangled their souls really are. But God does. He sees all of this, and i believe He is VERY conscience of their spiritual state of being. they are the other sheep who need to be brought into the fold. They are people He slowly, intricately formed in the womb and loved before birth. they are people who, at least for now, have chosen, by default, destruction for themselves. they are blind. they are deaf. and they are at the very heart of God. i believe He longs for them. i believe His heart breakes for them. i believe He died for them and would do it again if need be. i prayed for them. i want to pray for all of them...admitedly, the number of them seems overwhelming. i think it is 5 out of 6 billion who are not Christians. but i want my heart to be broken for the things that break God's and consumed with the things that take up His attention.

think about that. you are important and speacial enough to take up God's attention.....think about it....but so are they....

pray for them 

okay....i apologize. i've neglected you. you all have likely read my last entry, written in january (pathetic?). well, as that poem tells, i was in a trial....a very loooooooong trial. what is it? may? it seems my life has changed so much and that God has been and always will be the constant. it is He who has been changing me.

i asked for it....back in december, i became so hungry, so zealous, so passionate that i asked to suffer if it would bring me closer to Him than i had been. i asked this repeatedly, taking my inspiration from Philippians 3. it came, and it came in a series of tidal waves. it was painful, beyond what i expected, but the results are worth it.

i feel humbled. i know i was shaped to look more like Him, as some vices were stripped away and replaced with desires to love. my trust in Him was tried, and, for a while, seemed to wean, but is back with a vengence. He is teaching me trust and showing me his love in deeper, newer, and more intimate ways than i've known before....it is beautiful...

my desire for Him is more ground into my soul. i am longing to lay down my life in newer levels, dying to self with the goal of knowing Him, serving Him, and seeing the gosple go forth in all the earth.....to those who sit in darkness and in the shadow of death...to bring them the news of salvation through the forgiveness of their sins and to prepare the way for the Lord (Luke 1)...this will take sacrifice, sacrifice that america doesn't tell us about, that this world would rather we not enter in to.....it would like to preach to us its "gosple" of things that both perish and do not satisfy. it would like us to stay focussed on the gods of prosperity, wealth, comfort, and on the selfish trinity (me, myself, and I)...on what i want, when i want it, on the things that satisfy (pacify, really) at the present. but when i am stuck focussing on such things, people persih without Christ, and many without ever hearing the gospel once.

It is NOT for guilt that i write this. its not what i feel, nor what i intend to provoke.....no, what i feel is dire urgency and the heart of God for the broken, the lost, the blind, the deceived, the dying. i believe that God's heart is with them. i think often we have a concept that we do not realize is there.....that God loves the saved and is willing to love the sinner. not so. while you were dead because of your sins Christ died for you. this same Christ who died for you has asked for you to do the same for Him: "all those who love their life will loose it, but all those who loose their life for my sake will find it." and "if anyone wants to be my disciple, let him deny himself, take up his cross and follow me." 

has the heart of Christ changed? does he only love those washed? don't get me wrong...He loves you immensely. He died for you, but he has other sheep too who still must be brought into the fold; he would leave ninety-nine per one of them. He came to give life, to seek and save the lost, and gave us a comission to take this gosple where ever it is needed. and where is it needed? wherever there is a sinner.    

well, that is a sample of the fire he is fanning inside of me. a taste of what is to come....honestly, i don't know who reads this, but i hope that what i am learning and have learned shocks the church in this nation. i hope it is news and i hope it gives birth to action. i hope it causes many to drop to their knees. in fact, i make these things my prayer, along with the prayer that God will open hearts and ignite fire for Him and for the things closest to His heart.

good night. (if you want scripture references, let me know. i will find them for you)  

BEFORE YOU READ MY POEM, know that it is NOT about depression. Nor is it just about suffering. It is about the fundamental, and yet most productive, struggle in the Christian life. It is about crucifying the flesh. It is about suffering with Christ. it is about wanting Him more than everything else i have held dear. it is about romans chapters 7 and 8. it is about philippians 3:4-21. it is about a war, waged by the spirit against sin; a war to subdue my flesh and make it a servant of righteousness, a war to put it in its place, a war waged on the battlefield of my mind. it is about a soul wrestling with God until it is submitted and changed, as did Jacob, who became Israel. it is about taking up your cross, denying self, and following Him. it is about forsaking my idols, my crutches, this world and everything it has taught me, so that i may have Christ. It is about my journey to climb the mountain. it is the scream of my flesh, the war cry of my spirit, and His consolation to my soul.

For I am convinced that our present suffering will not be worth to be compared to the glory that will be revealed in us. Romans 8:18